Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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