the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Also, beer. Big fan.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
