I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
