if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
