proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
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