I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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