I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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