It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
