I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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