All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize