he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
