Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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