i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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