dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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