The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
