Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
