I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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