make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
