Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
