Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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