New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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