I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
