We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
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