I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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