Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
True college students do jello shots in the library
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
