When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
