Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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