You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
