I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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