The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
There r osticjed everywhere
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize