I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
