I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
