ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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