apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
