do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
