i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I AM VODKA MAN
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
