i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Someone stole a lamp last night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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