1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
