i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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