we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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