Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
