Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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