Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize