Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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