There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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