I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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