last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize