I wish I could punch you in the face.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
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