I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
