Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize