I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
