____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
