Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
