Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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