He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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