my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
